So What Now??

So besides all of my healthy choices for removing stress and exercise I am also adding a little food for the soul. I have been trying to faithfully read in my bible during my kids' nap time every day except Sunday. I started from Genesis and I am now in the book Deuteronomy. The Old Testament is quite an interesting start in learning about who God is. Many who read it will focus on the fact that God was in a 'Killin' mood!' and definitely not someone to be trifled with. You had better obey what he says and don't question it or there will be consequences. Although it is very clear, from what I have read, that God has very specific expectations of the human race it doesn't make me think of Him as this rigid, mean, and angry God who will shoot you down with a lighting bolt if you get out of line. It shows me more of what I would think of from my dad or myself with my own children. That God is separated from us, His children, and that he is desperately trying to bridge the gap between us. His tenacity and perseverance to bring us closer to him and pour out His goodness on us is amazing to see. Unfortunately, the Israelites were such whining little ungrateful children they rarely saw that God had their backs. This has made me look at my own life in a whole new light. If God is the same yesterday, today and forever than what He did for those Israelite children He will do for me. I am not saying that manna will rain down from heaven and He'll drop a pile of quail on my porch for me to cook up for dinner, although if He wanted to I am sure He would. What I am talking about is this: all the time that I spend worrying about how the bills will be paid, will there be enough money for groceries, what if there aren't many jobs this winter for my husband, what if, what if, what if??!! Oh my goodness, how my brain can get me all tangled up in thought, it is ridiculous! My God who has proven throughout history that He has His children's backs has got mine also! Hello! Why it took this long for me to not just hear this truth but to grab onto it and make it my own, I don't know. But this means that I do not need to worry about how God will take care of my life. The point is He will and I don't need to waste my time, energy or health by trying to figure it out. All He has called me to do is trust Him with child like faith, that's it, plain and simple. My daughters are always asking me when we get in the car, "Where we are going?", "Do you know that it's almost lunch time and I'm getting really hungry?", "The car is hot! Can you please turn the air conditioner on?", etc. Of course I know all these things, this isn't my first dog and pony show with the kids! Yet, they still ask. Even though each time we get into the car I want them to simply trust me that I am fully aware of their needs and I already have a plan on how I am going to take care of them, I don't need them to remind me. So, how many times am I like my children with God? I buckle in for the ride with God for my life and pepper Him with questions like: "Where are we going?", "I'm hungry?" and "It's hot and I would like the air conditioning on?". It makes me laugh just thinking about how much we as adults with our walk with God are still like little children. So here it is, the big revelation: God is fully aware of all our needs and already has a plan on how he is going to take care of them. He simply wants us to sit back, trust Him and enjoy the ride. He is, after all, our loving Father.

A little bit of back story

So why this sudden change on life? Well over Mother's Day Weekend I spent about 3 days out at my parents home in the country, not really where I wanted to be but unfortunately I was having major panic attacks that had completely put a halt on life. I was burned out. My husband had taken me to the doctor and they put me on an antidepressent and trazadone to help me sleep. The conclusion of the visit was basically "Let's throw some drugs at you and see if that works". In my mind though I knew that the way that I handle my life is the reason for my anxiety. So my options are to be drugged up and numb or change the way I process my life. I have decided to change how I process my life. I don't have it all figured out yet, it's going to be a process but I am willing to give it the best shot that I can, I owe it to myself and my family who rely on me. So these are the changes I have made thus far. I workout every morning whether I want to or not (except Sundays). Before I didn't even try, I have three kids, no gym membership, no in home workout equipment, no babysitter (no money for any of these) and it seemed impossible. Now I have a double jogger that I load up the youngest kids 5 and 2, while my daughter who is 8 rides her bike. I also attach the leash for our big puppy Kodi (lab/chow mix) and he comes too because he has major energy that needs to be burned otherwise he adds to the stress by barking, chewing the siding off the house, digging holes etc. I have worked up to 2.5 miles and most recently 4 miles on Sunday. This is quit the task but I have NEVER done anything like this before in my whole life and I feel really proud to be whooping my own butt! I also have simplified my home, cleaned and organized everything and everywhere, it makes me feel really good not to have the clutter looming around :) I only take phone calls if it is not chaotic and if I am on the phone and it becomes chaotic I call the person later, it's not worth the drama because my kids try to get away with EVERYTHING they are not to do while I'm on the phone. I've cut back on friendships that are more like a dump truck backing up to lay on a pile of manure. I definately don't mind the occassional venting session but for those friends that only vent I just don't have the emotional energy, I wear their issues like one of those magnetic aprons at the dentists office and after awhile it gets HEAVY. So I am setting healthy boundaries there. Also, I have stopped trying to do all errands with my kids, it's torture for ALL of us. So, if it's a quick trip then we do it, if it's not then I wait until my hubby comes home. I didn't realize what a stress this was until I cut it out and WOW it really does make a difference. So those are the things that I can think of right now, there are still other changes but I think I'll save that for the next post :)

What this is all about

This is my journey to changing my life, to becoming better than before. My goal is to overcome my own challenges of handling stress, patience, perserverence, become selfless without burning myself out and becoming more spiritually sound. I am a stay at home mother and wife of 3 beautiful kiddos with a very loving husband. My hope is that through my trials and triumphs that someone else out there that is going through the same thing can link arms with me and we can forge together. So join with me, if it's anything like the last 6 years, we're in for a ride!